Victorious

This story is going to need a background.

My mother and I have very different opinions about the vailidy choices of my upbringing. it was tough and many of the times i didnt get what i wanted or needed as a creative soul but i was always fed intellectually and learned to understand ALOT about life and the way it works in society. The pressure was on from every angle to be a PhD like the two people I grew up under but i always stuck to my poems, drawings, and designs. no matter how i feel about growing up in that house, my mother ALWAYS showed me that there are options to doing whatever it is you want to do. and ive believed that all of the days of my life, pushing and prodding and fighting against everything to do what it is i want to do because ive always believed that you can do WHATEVER you want to do in this world provided that you are willing to work your ass of in pursuit of it


with that said, i purposely turned off my phone and slept from 9:30-12:30 last night. I didnt watch a lick of news during the ballots because i'm the kind of person just wants to know the end results, not the play by play effect of whats happening. ive spent everyday in the past 2 weeks talking about politics and the angles, isms, and consequences of the Obama versus McCain election and quite frankly I'm tired of talking about it. So I took Chris and his date out to Icon Restaurant, listened to Eric Essix play some awesome jazz while i consumed my beef tenderloin and shrimp.


everyone in the world wanted to talk to me about it, even though i specifically asked them not to. Tatum tried to bring it up twice after i told her not to, Ramina bombarded everyone's phone with random text messages about moving Bush out of the white house, and Nicole called me JUST as I was drifting off into sleepyland to ask me about what i didnt want to know about...a busy day indeed. the entire world was buzzing with the energy of Obamaness versus McCainness and I was just buzzing from lack of sleep for the past 6 weeks on the road. I just wanted to sleep. I just want to rest

I knew Obama was going to win. those of you who actually know and talk to me (and don't pay attention to my status messages that i put out there to fuck with silly minds) know that i predicted a model in which Obama blows out Mccain and Palin returns in 8 years to be president. a model which required the defeat of the republicans on BOTH fronts ad in 8 years they're going to storm the white house because that's the way the legacy of these new double presidents is going to be. Im happy for Barack Obama, and generally like the guy on the occasions that i met him. following him on the road for a while was really cool and I feel like he generally LOVES this country and wants to see it be great.

so why am i not overly emotional like everyone else?

Because I already knew it was possible. Its not a shock to me to have HOPE in something when nobody else does, to believe in the unseen future and then let everyone else fall in line as they see it become a reality. And I think for some people Barack become a faux symbol of hope because they think that he is more than just a man, for people who have never had a TRUE sense of hope because theyr faith is physical and hence a fleeting one. being a hero is dangerous ground, because as you succeed your fans succeed, but when you FAIL then your fans die. Barack is going to be a great president, possibly one of the greatest in our history...because at this very moment he HAS to be no less than that for the sake of MILLIONS of people who have now improperly placed their hopes upon him

you have to believe in yourself.

You have to believe every single day that you can DO this no matter WHO is president, no matter HOW hard the economy is, no matter WHAT the person next to you is stealing from you, and no matter WHERE you are in your life. The core of what we face as a people and a nation isnt as simple as who runs it, because WE allowed the shit after Katrina to happen, WE allowed the whoring of our country after 9-11 happened, WE allowed the housing market to go apeshit and get people in houses that had NO business owning a house (they tried to get me too), WE have allowed the gas prices to be almost 4 dollars a gallon. Internal, and looking at what is the CORE of the problem then its all about what WE have been unwilling or unable to do.

The true power of a "democracy" is the idea that the people can control and run it...and we have allowed that healthy power to be slipped from right under our very noses and replaced with corn syrup flavored fast-fed bullshit. Chewing and tasting and thinking to ourselves "man this is good" and knowing somewhere in the back of our minds that "this...tastes...off..." If Barack is a symbol of hope for you and you USE that symbol to begin the change within yourself, then thats awesome and i commend you. But IF Barack is your only hope for change and a new future...then I think you need to read this over again.

I'm glad that Barack was elected, I'm infinitely glad that WE elected him, I'm glad that people are starting to realize in trickles how much power there IS within the idea of organizing and BELIEVING within one's power. now lets hold on to that and learn to REALLY harness the power of assembly. Let us CHANGE the very ideas of what we are and what we do and how we affect the world around us for the better

"People should not be afraid of their govenments, The government should be afraid of its people"
-V for Vendetta


With Love,

Andrew Thomas Clifton

Today was

An interesting shooting day. Pictures to come soon as I get everything to wprk

The show

Today is the day.

I've been ripping and running for about two weeks now to prepare the world for the events that approach today... My black and white photography exhibition is here,the stage is set, the orchestra is ready, nowcan I dance?

13 pieces of work ranging from 4x6 to 16x19 and a full jazz band to play the music that I love so much while I show what I love so much and why I love it so much

I'm ready, let's do this.

Gaining Ground

me and chris doakes sat back at the beginning of 2008 and said

"this is the year, cant you feel it?"

we honestly had NO idea HOW much of our year it would be and so ive seen growth in every area of my life.

im overly thankful for the business that has thrived and gone up and down but GAINED GROUND for the entire year so far. made better contacts, forged better relationships, cashed larger checks, helped people MORE, im grateful for it all. Im grateful for the people who have allowed me to capture for them, pieces of their future and to use those pieces as memories and the stuff that dreams are formed and molded of. without the memories of the world i would have nothing to love, i would be dead.


seen KISS grow despite the declining magazine market. seen our work expand it into new territories and capture new ideas. seen people stare in awe who once stood in mockery at the idea of what it could be. Meand Sean have taken 2 major trips this year to two International functions for the magazine and they were both about learning, becoming, and BEING greater than what we are. touched people who run billion dollar companies and keep in contact with those who run million dollar companies...success.

staying positive in spite of what people say about me, being able to see the future in spite of people telling me it cant be done, standing when those around me just want to sit down. being the kind of man that does not yield to the temptation often but when he falls, gets up and keeps moving. failure is just a lesson to get it right the next time and errors are just ways of telling you to think harder.

this is our time. this is our future. this is our tomorrow.

and so for every person who ever stood right here, right on the edge of the great beyond of the greatness of the future and said i dare to not, i say

I dare to.
not because i have to
but because i choose to

thank you god for the gifts you have given me
thank you god for the people who have carried me
thank you god for the wisdom you have instilled in me through pain and suffering
thank you god for...now

for everything

no matter how painful
or burning within
there is ALWAYS truth
and it will always shine stronger than darknes
always

so at another crossroads in the journey
i have decided to no longer risk my soul for the sake of what i want
im going to start playing it safer like everybody else
maybe the universe has been trying to tell me
that all this time
i'm not so different after all...

a whole new world
crafting a WHOLE new world.

its a feeling that ive been avoiding for a while now, but its time to spend some time at home with my mom and dissapear for a year.
detox and such.

the little steps

I think in effect that I didnt even see it coming
man, Satan is slick
conforming small parts of the whole unit until nothing was left of me
but an echo
i wonder why i cant sleep at night
i wonder why I cant sleep at all
because i let the little thing spile up and here i am
a complete contradiction of what I said I would be
of WHO i said I would serve
not even myself anymore
no friends around
no foes around
surreounded by something in between
something scary and unfamiliar about the steps ahead
something that makes me wonder if i'll even survive at all
or if they can all forgiv eme
if my friends will be able to lov eme again
im such a fool
such an idiot

I ponder.

I am absolutely unsure what the future holds for me
but I do know, that THIS isnt it just yet
I've got more evolving to do right now.

hilariousness

so...yeah...

i don't know what to do anymore
everything I believed to be true has been a lie
and everything i gave everything for doesnt even want me
and again i'm left holding the pieces of what once was
the whole me
i'm not so sure that I can breathe anymore
i'm not so sure that I can want to
i'm not so sure that I can be me
but this will pass as it always passes
except again, this feeling coming
will never again.

I swear I tried with everything that I was this time to simply be with someone. There was no other option for me, no other path to take...but int he end it proved to once again be not enough. it proved to only shove me further within the confines of my own heart. people spend their whole lives trying to simply be and simply want and simply progress but when given a chance to be happy...i'm not sure so many of us are really ready for that.

at least, not the people I meet in this capacity.

I hate being lied to. I hate being made to feel like I dont exist when I know that I do. I hate feeling like someone can look me in my eye and totally just splice my heart out with a spoon. but its the reality of the risk of love, the risk of wanting and seeking more from someone than they are capable of offering. it's a drowning feeling that doesnt go away so easy...but i take comfort in knowing that it will go away...

its 2:51 in the morning

so why the fuck am i still awake?
-sigh-

the paradox

i love you but i hate the way you're making me feel these days,
does that make any sense?



i've been spending alot of time remixing images and gettingmy editing skills on a class A basis, becoming a better editor and making better images for my clients and it feels good. it feels good to have my computer back and being able to create and simply be, as i havent in the past month.

i'm not sure what the hell she is expecting of me or what she wants from me anymore but i hate the feeling i feel lately. she'll walk past me like she wants to say something or say nothing and wont do it, she just looks at me sideways and says nothing. i ask her about it and her response is that she's getting some alone time, some thinking time.



relationships are so much more complicated than being single. there is much more involved when it comes to being with someone else, and im struggling to figure out why even when i'm giving everything that i feel empty...

such is life i guess.

the most beautiful ugly man that I have seen.

it's not possible to just be a man
without fear
without the things that hurt and pain and force me to push harder
to push against the days and ways of my youth
and yet here i am
somewhat hoping and wishing that things didnt have to want to be this way
that things could be simpler than what they are
or filled with the taste of a compound far more venomous
far less unmedicinal or worthy of healing
and yet i still fee like wounded soul
licking the scratches and cuts with pity and self-absolution
look at me father
look at what a man i have been forced to become without your hands
without your gaze
or gestures
or words of wisdom to whisper while i sleep
no matter, though
i have promises to keep
and little people to show the way
to be very unlike those who came before them
to dream free and fly
and use the limits of what others may say
as wallpaper for the walls of old memories
in vintage patterns unrecognized
given only a thought of what was
while what is remains bright and vigilant
burning bright in shades of red and blue and gold
streaking across the heavens
cascading into the category of what is
and never into the abyss of what cannot be.

damn you, realism.

I feel like no matter what i do it's not good enough
I feel like no matter how much I try to give, its not giving enough
I feel like no matter how much I flirt with her, the lESS she flirts with me
why?
why now?

sunday

I spent the entire day reading
and writing
and exploring what is left of me
and not sure that any of the people around me really get me
or love me
or want me
i wonderwhat people expect of me
and wonder what they dont
wonder what they have to offer me
and wonder what they dont
and here
in the moments of silence
i find that i'm truly alone
and always will be justa student of this art
i call photography
i call home.

you would think

that two people who used to love each other would be able to communicate
i guess i was wrong
i guess there never was a mutual love between us.
i guess she just played with me
but i mean i still care
im still curious
i wonder how you are

"why do i care about those who dont care about you?"
"because i can."
-batman

Indeed.

there is no doubt in my mind that i love her
but i do have my doubts about us, at times
but i push past them
i force thema way, because i think my past refuses to allow me the full identity of happiness
it wants me to reek of sadness and dispair and pain and aloneness
being a man in a household is something i always wanted
i just didnt always know what that meant
but through the years and tears and fears of watching Sam and Paul and Kevin
have given me a whole new perspective
a whole new understanding of the balance
im learning and growing
as she is
learning and growing
loving each other
and loving these awesome children

I dont know how I feel

its something i wanted my whole life
something i was willing to die for
so why do i feel like
still somewhat scared
still somewhat alone?
is it supposed to feel this way?
will i always feel this way?
is it always supposed to feel this way?
what the fuck is it supposed to be like?

the path

this is my dream
this is all i ever want

it isnt just another day for me, its another chance to exemplify the GOD within me through my work. to express a feeling, a thought, a word, a whatever through the end of my camera lens. its why i breathe

thats why im so conflicted. so unable to be a normal person and just do normal things, because i want to do some of everything possible within this realm. i sleep it. i live my life in ISO levels. My breaths are measured in shooting speeds. i blink in f/stops....

you get me.

there was this moment in star trek nemesis when shinzon was about to make his run at earth and captain picard is like "he must not be allowed to use that weapon, all other concerns are secondary...you all understand me..." and with that hes looking around the room at the people he as served with on the starship enterprise for the better part of a decade and each one of them looks at him and realizes that if if means DEATH to defend the ideals of the federation the they are willing to pay that price

i would die for my art. im looking around the pieces of my soul, the different sections and nooks and crevices that i have served with for the better part of 27 years and I know what that meant now. I will die for this, all other concerns are secondary...

this is why i am here.
why i was born
why i struggled through my marriage
why i spent three nights in jail,
why i still love alpha
why I will always love Tynell
why I will grow to love Shanina
why i despise being lied to
why i seek something greater than myself
why i love paul like the best friend that i've ever had
why I no longer seek anything less than a woman's company
why my children are filled with smiles and giggles

because I can finally say
I understand what being a man means to me
and that is alot.
wow.

Ice Cold