the most beautiful ugly man that I have seen.

it's not possible to just be a man
without fear
without the things that hurt and pain and force me to push harder
to push against the days and ways of my youth
and yet here i am
somewhat hoping and wishing that things didnt have to want to be this way
that things could be simpler than what they are
or filled with the taste of a compound far more venomous
far less unmedicinal or worthy of healing
and yet i still fee like wounded soul
licking the scratches and cuts with pity and self-absolution
look at me father
look at what a man i have been forced to become without your hands
without your gaze
or gestures
or words of wisdom to whisper while i sleep
no matter, though
i have promises to keep
and little people to show the way
to be very unlike those who came before them
to dream free and fly
and use the limits of what others may say
as wallpaper for the walls of old memories
in vintage patterns unrecognized
given only a thought of what was
while what is remains bright and vigilant
burning bright in shades of red and blue and gold
streaking across the heavens
cascading into the category of what is
and never into the abyss of what cannot be.

damn you, realism.

I feel like no matter what i do it's not good enough
I feel like no matter how much I try to give, its not giving enough
I feel like no matter how much I flirt with her, the lESS she flirts with me
why?
why now?

sunday

I spent the entire day reading
and writing
and exploring what is left of me
and not sure that any of the people around me really get me
or love me
or want me
i wonderwhat people expect of me
and wonder what they dont
wonder what they have to offer me
and wonder what they dont
and here
in the moments of silence
i find that i'm truly alone
and always will be justa student of this art
i call photography
i call home.

you would think

that two people who used to love each other would be able to communicate
i guess i was wrong
i guess there never was a mutual love between us.
i guess she just played with me
but i mean i still care
im still curious
i wonder how you are

"why do i care about those who dont care about you?"
"because i can."
-batman

Indeed.

there is no doubt in my mind that i love her
but i do have my doubts about us, at times
but i push past them
i force thema way, because i think my past refuses to allow me the full identity of happiness
it wants me to reek of sadness and dispair and pain and aloneness
being a man in a household is something i always wanted
i just didnt always know what that meant
but through the years and tears and fears of watching Sam and Paul and Kevin
have given me a whole new perspective
a whole new understanding of the balance
im learning and growing
as she is
learning and growing
loving each other
and loving these awesome children

I dont know how I feel

its something i wanted my whole life
something i was willing to die for
so why do i feel like
still somewhat scared
still somewhat alone?
is it supposed to feel this way?
will i always feel this way?
is it always supposed to feel this way?
what the fuck is it supposed to be like?