the little steps

I think in effect that I didnt even see it coming
man, Satan is slick
conforming small parts of the whole unit until nothing was left of me
but an echo
i wonder why i cant sleep at night
i wonder why I cant sleep at all
because i let the little thing spile up and here i am
a complete contradiction of what I said I would be
of WHO i said I would serve
not even myself anymore
no friends around
no foes around
surreounded by something in between
something scary and unfamiliar about the steps ahead
something that makes me wonder if i'll even survive at all
or if they can all forgiv eme
if my friends will be able to lov eme again
im such a fool
such an idiot

I ponder.

I am absolutely unsure what the future holds for me
but I do know, that THIS isnt it just yet
I've got more evolving to do right now.

hilariousness

so...yeah...

i don't know what to do anymore
everything I believed to be true has been a lie
and everything i gave everything for doesnt even want me
and again i'm left holding the pieces of what once was
the whole me
i'm not so sure that I can breathe anymore
i'm not so sure that I can want to
i'm not so sure that I can be me
but this will pass as it always passes
except again, this feeling coming
will never again.

I swear I tried with everything that I was this time to simply be with someone. There was no other option for me, no other path to take...but int he end it proved to once again be not enough. it proved to only shove me further within the confines of my own heart. people spend their whole lives trying to simply be and simply want and simply progress but when given a chance to be happy...i'm not sure so many of us are really ready for that.

at least, not the people I meet in this capacity.

I hate being lied to. I hate being made to feel like I dont exist when I know that I do. I hate feeling like someone can look me in my eye and totally just splice my heart out with a spoon. but its the reality of the risk of love, the risk of wanting and seeking more from someone than they are capable of offering. it's a drowning feeling that doesnt go away so easy...but i take comfort in knowing that it will go away...

its 2:51 in the morning

so why the fuck am i still awake?
-sigh-

the paradox

i love you but i hate the way you're making me feel these days,
does that make any sense?



i've been spending alot of time remixing images and gettingmy editing skills on a class A basis, becoming a better editor and making better images for my clients and it feels good. it feels good to have my computer back and being able to create and simply be, as i havent in the past month.

i'm not sure what the hell she is expecting of me or what she wants from me anymore but i hate the feeling i feel lately. she'll walk past me like she wants to say something or say nothing and wont do it, she just looks at me sideways and says nothing. i ask her about it and her response is that she's getting some alone time, some thinking time.



relationships are so much more complicated than being single. there is much more involved when it comes to being with someone else, and im struggling to figure out why even when i'm giving everything that i feel empty...

such is life i guess.