the path

this is my dream
this is all i ever want

it isnt just another day for me, its another chance to exemplify the GOD within me through my work. to express a feeling, a thought, a word, a whatever through the end of my camera lens. its why i breathe

thats why im so conflicted. so unable to be a normal person and just do normal things, because i want to do some of everything possible within this realm. i sleep it. i live my life in ISO levels. My breaths are measured in shooting speeds. i blink in f/stops....

you get me.

there was this moment in star trek nemesis when shinzon was about to make his run at earth and captain picard is like "he must not be allowed to use that weapon, all other concerns are secondary...you all understand me..." and with that hes looking around the room at the people he as served with on the starship enterprise for the better part of a decade and each one of them looks at him and realizes that if if means DEATH to defend the ideals of the federation the they are willing to pay that price

i would die for my art. im looking around the pieces of my soul, the different sections and nooks and crevices that i have served with for the better part of 27 years and I know what that meant now. I will die for this, all other concerns are secondary...

this is why i am here.
why i was born
why i struggled through my marriage
why i spent three nights in jail,
why i still love alpha
why I will always love Tynell
why I will grow to love Shanina
why i despise being lied to
why i seek something greater than myself
why i love paul like the best friend that i've ever had
why I no longer seek anything less than a woman's company
why my children are filled with smiles and giggles

because I can finally say
I understand what being a man means to me
and that is alot.
wow.

Ice Cold

Soon the New Day...

Tomorrow

I love the idea of what it has been recently. consuming a great amount of organic foods, dealing with issues that have plagued me for years, learning to accept wh i am and work to change myself from THAT man and not some imaginary superman

the journey has been well. I have gained alot of wisdom from these experiences. and Im gaining even more wisdom from my aches and pains. the seeking up of being a father and ex husband has brought me alot.

and I realize, that sex is like a drug. so im going to abstain. i will give nothing the power to control me. especially being that I am in love with Nina and she deserves better than knowing that even though we are half a world apart, that she is the only person i truly desire sexually.

we will see, this journey is far from perfect, far from normal. but it is what I have been assigned...

Return of the Jedi

weaker and meeker

done with it that i cant understand it
my gift is my curse in that it drives me to do things that i would rather not. meet people that i would rather not. go places that i would rather not

i am antisocial.

but my gift is that of conversation and photography, two very public arts. its a 1/2 and 1/2 because I live my life in dynamics...I either love it or hate it, very few areas are gray in a black and white world. i find myself conflicted when people ask me

"so what do you think of my pictures?"

i mean what i think reall matters not because your work is about being an extension of you and not an acceptance of me but strangely enough people find themselves asking others for what lies inside. acceptance is a human drug, one im trying to purge myself of with much vigor. i just hate the fact that sometimes im doing me in completion and sometimes i find myself creating/doing/expressing things that are meant to get the OOH's and AAAH's.

whatever happened to me seeking my own happiness. in search of some random satisfaction from the lips and eyes of others when id rather just tear everything ive done up until now into pieces and start over

very chaotic.

there is a piece of me within everything i do, and the rotten ones stink up my nose and make me wonder why i even do this at all...if i cant find that balance. its like...very hard to say but very easy to SEE. im not the simpliest of people but i seek simplicity. im not the quietest of people but i seek silent peace.

what the fuck is happening to me?

this evolution is either going to kill me or make me into something which i have never seen before. i would prefer the latter but im beginning to understand why those before me were so damn self destructive, why they spent most of their years trying to erase themselves from the day to day dealings of reality. when you see the world from the clouds it is certainly a smaller place, but one infinitely more full of complications...

the days just run together

I don't even know what to say anymore...about anything. people have already turned the JENA 6 situation into a fucking fiasco and a chance to further their political and economic platforms. It fucking sickens me

those who are going because they love it, because they want to go and support i am in complete COMMITMENT and LOVE of those. but those of you who are just jumping on a bandwagon...you need to be ashamed of yourselves. the thing is we'll see how serious half of you are after the rally, when the fame of the situation dies down and everyone returns to not giving a fuck about the world around them

IN OTHER NEWS

I am eating mostly fish and fresh veggies for the next 30 days in an effort to clean my system out of all the remaining toxins. its a test and a SURE expensive habit because i sure am not going to be eating cheap fish all the time. 3 lbs of mahi mahi ran me over 20 bucks...sheesh.

pray for me, as i endeavor to be a committed man to one woman. as i endeavor to beat the demons that plagued my father and were passed on to me. its a hard journey, but I can do it, i MUST do it. The art that I love to do is also a doorway that leads in the opposite direction, one that leads me away from where i want to be so its a battel just to do what i love and not LOSE myself to it

MY phone also died, so if you call me or text me and don't get a response don't be sad. be in mourning as the greatest LG of them all has now gone on to a happy place :)

I miss Paul. He was the one force on earth that actually grounded me and I'm happy that he got married and moved up north but...its hard to deal with alot of this shit with your best friend gone...

I LOVE YOU ALL, regardless of how you may feel about me. I PRAY that you find the productivity of this week and love of it to be awesome enough to seek the source of it all.


Andrew Thomas

I am including a new series from ALHPA BEGINS, the first pictures i ever took with my Sony alpha. I hope you enjoy them