weaker and meeker

done with it that i cant understand it
my gift is my curse in that it drives me to do things that i would rather not. meet people that i would rather not. go places that i would rather not

i am antisocial.

but my gift is that of conversation and photography, two very public arts. its a 1/2 and 1/2 because I live my life in dynamics...I either love it or hate it, very few areas are gray in a black and white world. i find myself conflicted when people ask me

"so what do you think of my pictures?"

i mean what i think reall matters not because your work is about being an extension of you and not an acceptance of me but strangely enough people find themselves asking others for what lies inside. acceptance is a human drug, one im trying to purge myself of with much vigor. i just hate the fact that sometimes im doing me in completion and sometimes i find myself creating/doing/expressing things that are meant to get the OOH's and AAAH's.

whatever happened to me seeking my own happiness. in search of some random satisfaction from the lips and eyes of others when id rather just tear everything ive done up until now into pieces and start over

very chaotic.

there is a piece of me within everything i do, and the rotten ones stink up my nose and make me wonder why i even do this at all...if i cant find that balance. its like...very hard to say but very easy to SEE. im not the simpliest of people but i seek simplicity. im not the quietest of people but i seek silent peace.

what the fuck is happening to me?

this evolution is either going to kill me or make me into something which i have never seen before. i would prefer the latter but im beginning to understand why those before me were so damn self destructive, why they spent most of their years trying to erase themselves from the day to day dealings of reality. when you see the world from the clouds it is certainly a smaller place, but one infinitely more full of complications...