I dont know how I feel

its something i wanted my whole life
something i was willing to die for
so why do i feel like
still somewhat scared
still somewhat alone?
is it supposed to feel this way?
will i always feel this way?
is it always supposed to feel this way?
what the fuck is it supposed to be like?

the path

this is my dream
this is all i ever want

it isnt just another day for me, its another chance to exemplify the GOD within me through my work. to express a feeling, a thought, a word, a whatever through the end of my camera lens. its why i breathe

thats why im so conflicted. so unable to be a normal person and just do normal things, because i want to do some of everything possible within this realm. i sleep it. i live my life in ISO levels. My breaths are measured in shooting speeds. i blink in f/stops....

you get me.

there was this moment in star trek nemesis when shinzon was about to make his run at earth and captain picard is like "he must not be allowed to use that weapon, all other concerns are secondary...you all understand me..." and with that hes looking around the room at the people he as served with on the starship enterprise for the better part of a decade and each one of them looks at him and realizes that if if means DEATH to defend the ideals of the federation the they are willing to pay that price

i would die for my art. im looking around the pieces of my soul, the different sections and nooks and crevices that i have served with for the better part of 27 years and I know what that meant now. I will die for this, all other concerns are secondary...

this is why i am here.
why i was born
why i struggled through my marriage
why i spent three nights in jail,
why i still love alpha
why I will always love Tynell
why I will grow to love Shanina
why i despise being lied to
why i seek something greater than myself
why i love paul like the best friend that i've ever had
why I no longer seek anything less than a woman's company
why my children are filled with smiles and giggles

because I can finally say
I understand what being a man means to me
and that is alot.
wow.

Ice Cold

Soon the New Day...

Tomorrow

I love the idea of what it has been recently. consuming a great amount of organic foods, dealing with issues that have plagued me for years, learning to accept wh i am and work to change myself from THAT man and not some imaginary superman

the journey has been well. I have gained alot of wisdom from these experiences. and Im gaining even more wisdom from my aches and pains. the seeking up of being a father and ex husband has brought me alot.

and I realize, that sex is like a drug. so im going to abstain. i will give nothing the power to control me. especially being that I am in love with Nina and she deserves better than knowing that even though we are half a world apart, that she is the only person i truly desire sexually.

we will see, this journey is far from perfect, far from normal. but it is what I have been assigned...

Return of the Jedi

weaker and meeker

done with it that i cant understand it
my gift is my curse in that it drives me to do things that i would rather not. meet people that i would rather not. go places that i would rather not

i am antisocial.

but my gift is that of conversation and photography, two very public arts. its a 1/2 and 1/2 because I live my life in dynamics...I either love it or hate it, very few areas are gray in a black and white world. i find myself conflicted when people ask me

"so what do you think of my pictures?"

i mean what i think reall matters not because your work is about being an extension of you and not an acceptance of me but strangely enough people find themselves asking others for what lies inside. acceptance is a human drug, one im trying to purge myself of with much vigor. i just hate the fact that sometimes im doing me in completion and sometimes i find myself creating/doing/expressing things that are meant to get the OOH's and AAAH's.

whatever happened to me seeking my own happiness. in search of some random satisfaction from the lips and eyes of others when id rather just tear everything ive done up until now into pieces and start over

very chaotic.

there is a piece of me within everything i do, and the rotten ones stink up my nose and make me wonder why i even do this at all...if i cant find that balance. its like...very hard to say but very easy to SEE. im not the simpliest of people but i seek simplicity. im not the quietest of people but i seek silent peace.

what the fuck is happening to me?

this evolution is either going to kill me or make me into something which i have never seen before. i would prefer the latter but im beginning to understand why those before me were so damn self destructive, why they spent most of their years trying to erase themselves from the day to day dealings of reality. when you see the world from the clouds it is certainly a smaller place, but one infinitely more full of complications...