hilariousness

so...yeah...

i don't know what to do anymore
everything I believed to be true has been a lie
and everything i gave everything for doesnt even want me
and again i'm left holding the pieces of what once was
the whole me
i'm not so sure that I can breathe anymore
i'm not so sure that I can want to
i'm not so sure that I can be me
but this will pass as it always passes
except again, this feeling coming
will never again.

I swear I tried with everything that I was this time to simply be with someone. There was no other option for me, no other path to take...but int he end it proved to once again be not enough. it proved to only shove me further within the confines of my own heart. people spend their whole lives trying to simply be and simply want and simply progress but when given a chance to be happy...i'm not sure so many of us are really ready for that.

at least, not the people I meet in this capacity.

I hate being lied to. I hate being made to feel like I dont exist when I know that I do. I hate feeling like someone can look me in my eye and totally just splice my heart out with a spoon. but its the reality of the risk of love, the risk of wanting and seeking more from someone than they are capable of offering. it's a drowning feeling that doesnt go away so easy...but i take comfort in knowing that it will go away...

its 2:51 in the morning

so why the fuck am i still awake?
-sigh-

the paradox

i love you but i hate the way you're making me feel these days,
does that make any sense?



i've been spending alot of time remixing images and gettingmy editing skills on a class A basis, becoming a better editor and making better images for my clients and it feels good. it feels good to have my computer back and being able to create and simply be, as i havent in the past month.

i'm not sure what the hell she is expecting of me or what she wants from me anymore but i hate the feeling i feel lately. she'll walk past me like she wants to say something or say nothing and wont do it, she just looks at me sideways and says nothing. i ask her about it and her response is that she's getting some alone time, some thinking time.



relationships are so much more complicated than being single. there is much more involved when it comes to being with someone else, and im struggling to figure out why even when i'm giving everything that i feel empty...

such is life i guess.

the most beautiful ugly man that I have seen.

it's not possible to just be a man
without fear
without the things that hurt and pain and force me to push harder
to push against the days and ways of my youth
and yet here i am
somewhat hoping and wishing that things didnt have to want to be this way
that things could be simpler than what they are
or filled with the taste of a compound far more venomous
far less unmedicinal or worthy of healing
and yet i still fee like wounded soul
licking the scratches and cuts with pity and self-absolution
look at me father
look at what a man i have been forced to become without your hands
without your gaze
or gestures
or words of wisdom to whisper while i sleep
no matter, though
i have promises to keep
and little people to show the way
to be very unlike those who came before them
to dream free and fly
and use the limits of what others may say
as wallpaper for the walls of old memories
in vintage patterns unrecognized
given only a thought of what was
while what is remains bright and vigilant
burning bright in shades of red and blue and gold
streaking across the heavens
cascading into the category of what is
and never into the abyss of what cannot be.

damn you, realism.

I feel like no matter what i do it's not good enough
I feel like no matter how much I try to give, its not giving enough
I feel like no matter how much I flirt with her, the lESS she flirts with me
why?
why now?

sunday

I spent the entire day reading
and writing
and exploring what is left of me
and not sure that any of the people around me really get me
or love me
or want me
i wonderwhat people expect of me
and wonder what they dont
wonder what they have to offer me
and wonder what they dont
and here
in the moments of silence
i find that i'm truly alone
and always will be justa student of this art
i call photography
i call home.