damn you, realism.

I feel like no matter what i do it's not good enough
I feel like no matter how much I try to give, its not giving enough
I feel like no matter how much I flirt with her, the lESS she flirts with me
why?
why now?

sunday

I spent the entire day reading
and writing
and exploring what is left of me
and not sure that any of the people around me really get me
or love me
or want me
i wonderwhat people expect of me
and wonder what they dont
wonder what they have to offer me
and wonder what they dont
and here
in the moments of silence
i find that i'm truly alone
and always will be justa student of this art
i call photography
i call home.

you would think

that two people who used to love each other would be able to communicate
i guess i was wrong
i guess there never was a mutual love between us.
i guess she just played with me
but i mean i still care
im still curious
i wonder how you are

"why do i care about those who dont care about you?"
"because i can."
-batman

Indeed.

there is no doubt in my mind that i love her
but i do have my doubts about us, at times
but i push past them
i force thema way, because i think my past refuses to allow me the full identity of happiness
it wants me to reek of sadness and dispair and pain and aloneness
being a man in a household is something i always wanted
i just didnt always know what that meant
but through the years and tears and fears of watching Sam and Paul and Kevin
have given me a whole new perspective
a whole new understanding of the balance
im learning and growing
as she is
learning and growing
loving each other
and loving these awesome children

I dont know how I feel

its something i wanted my whole life
something i was willing to die for
so why do i feel like
still somewhat scared
still somewhat alone?
is it supposed to feel this way?
will i always feel this way?
is it always supposed to feel this way?
what the fuck is it supposed to be like?

the path

this is my dream
this is all i ever want

it isnt just another day for me, its another chance to exemplify the GOD within me through my work. to express a feeling, a thought, a word, a whatever through the end of my camera lens. its why i breathe

thats why im so conflicted. so unable to be a normal person and just do normal things, because i want to do some of everything possible within this realm. i sleep it. i live my life in ISO levels. My breaths are measured in shooting speeds. i blink in f/stops....

you get me.

there was this moment in star trek nemesis when shinzon was about to make his run at earth and captain picard is like "he must not be allowed to use that weapon, all other concerns are secondary...you all understand me..." and with that hes looking around the room at the people he as served with on the starship enterprise for the better part of a decade and each one of them looks at him and realizes that if if means DEATH to defend the ideals of the federation the they are willing to pay that price

i would die for my art. im looking around the pieces of my soul, the different sections and nooks and crevices that i have served with for the better part of 27 years and I know what that meant now. I will die for this, all other concerns are secondary...

this is why i am here.
why i was born
why i struggled through my marriage
why i spent three nights in jail,
why i still love alpha
why I will always love Tynell
why I will grow to love Shanina
why i despise being lied to
why i seek something greater than myself
why i love paul like the best friend that i've ever had
why I no longer seek anything less than a woman's company
why my children are filled with smiles and giggles

because I can finally say
I understand what being a man means to me
and that is alot.
wow.

Ice Cold